My second year in university has been a shaky one. I began my applications for vacation schemes in November, and have not stopped applying. Vacation schemes are legal internships where they consider you for a training contract and legal career with the law firm. The theme for this new school year had been ‘Anchor’, but there were and are many times that I have forgotten what this means.
There had always been a struggle with the flesh. Where was I to go after Durham? Surely God had good and wonderful plans that I wanted. I wanted to get a good job among the skyscrapers and work my way up the big commercial ladder. And I kinda thought this was the plan that He had for me.
Yet, I have faced rejection after rejection; or interview then rejection. There were many times I knew the answer was a ‘no’ and I was just waiting for them to officially email me.
And amongst all these, I feel like I’ve been neglecting God’s words to me. He has given me so many verses:
[Jesus] said to them, “It is I; don’t be afraid.” Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading. ~ John 6:20-21
And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:15
I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. ~ John 10:10
I know all these things, but I don’t fully believe in with all my heart. I know that God works for the good of all who love Him, I know from my own Durham testimony that He brings us to places that will delight us.
But again and again, I fall. As is with every human relationship that God has, we falter. We withdraw from Him, embrace Him and then withdraw Him. I feel fear and uncertainty. I want to have hope and faith, but in the face of all these three months, I still don’t know where I am going. It’s been a wave of emotions. Tears, sweat, late nights.
I’m afraid of the future (or the seemingly lack of it) and I feel burdened because I know God’s promises and love, but am too afraid to fully dive into the deep end of the sea of faith.
The past school term has had a resounding theme of the sea: storms, boats, anchors, no sight of land to rest. Even my last interview was with a Shipping firm haha.
Oh Lord, I cry out to You. Refresh me with Your Holy Spirit, so that I may be empowered to move into the life that You have planned for me. Please help to remember Your unfailing love. Every day, You relentlessly remind me of your love and promises in my life, but I am too scared. I want to stop clenching my fists and start fully opening my hands so that I may receive what You have for me. In Your plans, I have shelter and peace. In the Holy Spirit, I find power. I want to invite You on my boat, so that You can calm my heart through the stormy sea and brave the waves. Jesus, You can calm the sea – You can even walk on water. Give me faith, perseverance and peace.
[Jesus] said to them, “It is I; don’t be afraid.” Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.